Merry Christmas

Dear Psycholizard,

Mommy and Daddy get so tired every Christmas, and they work so hard I never see them. I don't need any presents this Christmas, I just want Mommy and Daddy to stay home and get some rest. But I don't want to hurt Santa's feelings either.Your fan,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,

You seem like a very nice little girl, who means no harm, but you are playing with very dangerous and bad ideas. To explain, let me share the story of another little girl, like yourself, named Suzy, who lived not too long ago.

Suzy also asked that her parents buy her no presents and take some time off work to be together. Her parents liked the idea and agreed. Suzy then told all her friends, and they told all their friends. Soon everyone wanted to do without presents, and spend more time together for Christmas. They were so happy in their new plans that no one thought of Santa, his Elves, or the little Elf children.

When Santa's workshop heard of Suzy's plans, panic ran wild. None of the Elves had ever done any job other than making toys for the world's children. Nor had Santa ever thought of any other job for himself or his fifty reindeer than delivering toys. Without their toy making jobs Santa's Elves would be unable to feed their children. Santa decided to visit Suzy hoping she would change her Christmas plans.

So Suzy heard the clatter of tiny reindeer feet on her roof one late November night, and Santa arrived at her doorstep. After a pleasant greeting Santa begged her with tears in his eyes: "Please Suzy tell all your friends to ask for gifts this Christmas or my Elves will go hungry.".

And Suzy listened, because she really liked Santa, but thoughtlessly, (she was only a little girl), she replied; "Thank you Santa for all your nice gifts, but I like my parents so much I just want more time with them. Besides, I think you might be drinking. I think your Elves will be fine.".

Suzy was right that Santa had been drinking, but wrong about everything else. When Santa returned to Bavaria {that was where his toyshop was in those days). He found that his Elves had been talking to a new leader called the Antisanta. The Antisanta promised the Elves work making guns and bombs to attack the homes of the mean people that didn't want toys anymore. The Antisanta promised to feed their children on the spoils of war. The Elves had little choice but to work for the Antisanta.

Meanwhile Santa took a job delivering pizza with his reindeer. The tips however were poor since people thought he was too old for the job, and they thought the reindeer might damage the roof shingles. Then the bank repossessed his fifty reindeer.

They told Santa that they were sold to a zoo, but eight of them escaped and told Santa the awful truth. His reindeer were sold to a hunting farm where rich Republicans could shoot them for money. Flying reindeer make difficult targets, and some escaped to rejoin Santa.

Santa decided to break the law and save his remaining reindeer. He flew to the North Pole and set up a new base of operations, far from the banks power to seize his reindeer. But the Antisanta continued to hunt Santa.

Meanwhile the Antisanta's elves attacked Suzy's home town with the guns and bombs they built instead of toys. Suzy was separated from her parents in the confusion and never saw them again.

A great war ensued that only ended when an atomic bomb was detonated on the Antisanta's elves. In the peace terms the elves agreed to follow Santa forever, AND THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD AGREED TO ASK FOR TOYS.

Jessica, I hope this little story has shown you how wrong, and how selfish you have been, and that your foolish thoughts could threaten the whole world. I have just one more story to make this point, a story about the real meaning of Christmas.

Two thousand years ago there was a Man filled with love, just like you are Jessica, he didn't have toys, in fact all He owned was a pair of sandals and a blanket. He told the world that they could live without toys. When His teachers found out they hunted Him down and tortured Him to death.

Today, pictures of His tortured body are displayed in churches and schools to remind us all what Dick Cheney would do to us if he found us talking like you, Jessica.  Watch yourself.

Merry Christmas to all,
Psycholizard